The note as shown below has been passed to authorities for investigation. There were also bloody sock on the porch. Police attempted to take the bloody socks into evidence, but the Congressman stated that they were his, “The socks thing, that’s just how I roll”.

 Due to the concerns for his security, the Congressman decided that it would be a good idea to hire a Body Double for some events. An example of the usefulness of the Body Double was seen in the recent event at the “massage therapist”.

Reports have recently surfaced of a stalker who has made several attempts to contact the Congressman as well as his staff. Her last message posted through a proxy server on the website stated, ” Also … I have pics of Jarv… which can be destroyed only if I can be the real Mrs. Jarv… Furthermore, can I have a @jarvforpresident.com email, too?”

Due to threats of this nature, Congressman Jarv had spent over two weeks interviewing and meeting with possible Body Doubles. He decided that actors would be best suited for the job as most of Politics is ”acting”. After several rounds and a few call backs, the personnel was narrowed to two known actors that are almost identical to the Congressman, Ice Cube and Burt Reynolds. Mr. Cube could not take the job due to obligations to make Anaconda 5: Electric Boogaloo, so the job was taken by Mr. Reynolds (seen below).

     The Congressman will now be able to be safer knowing that a potential assailant such as the previous stalker known only as “Dolly”, would be confused between the Congressman and the double.

The Congressman had previously stated to the media that he knows we want it, the thing that makes him, what the guys go crazy for. Psychiatrists report that they lose their minds, the way he wind, and they think its time.

A witness to the event stated, “La la-la la la, Warm it up. Lala-lalala, the boys are waiting”

At a speech to the Congressional Council in relation to the event, The Congressman stated the following:

“I can see you’re on it, you want me to teach thee techniques that freaks these boys, It can’t be bought, Just know, thieves get caught, Watch if your smart.”

Social Worker Denise Colifeld analyzed the affects of the milkshake and found that once you get involved, Everyone will look this way-so, you must maintain your charm, same time maintain your halo; just get the perfect blend, plus what you have within. She reported to the National Science Foundation, “Then next his eyes are squint, Then he’s picked up your scent.”

As of now, the Congressman’s official stance is that his milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

Congressman Jarv thanked the couple and stated to the Daily Press,” It’s good to have the photo back. That was a great day and a wonderful start to a great relationship.”

Below is the found Photo:

First Date of Congressman and Mrs. Jarv

To address certain rumors that have been circulating since Independence Day, Congressman Jarv did NOT blow off his pointer finger with fireworks.  Although he spotted playing with sparkler, at no time did he hold a lit cherry bomb in his hand on a dare.  Besides, the rumors state there was $20 on the line and Congressman Jarv would not perform such a stunt for less than $50. 

Please contact any local newspapers, magazines, blogs, websites and the weekly World News and request they print retractions to this grossly inaccurate story.

Mrs. Jarv has been working feverishly in a personal campaign to raise awareness of Bingo Addiction.  

“Bingo Addiction is serious,” Stated Mrs. Jarv, “Sometimes when Jarv and I are lying in bed at night and cuddling, we talk about this horrible addiction. He then calls me his trophy wife.” 

Mrs. Jarv, an ex touch football linebacker has now dedicated her life to calling citizens in a campaign to increase concern and a drive for action. She hopes her campaign can help to ease the difficulty faced by the high percent of afflicted families in the US.

The Congressman has been very interested in R.A.P.E. for many years and has spent quite a bit of his own time speaking in favor or R.A.P.E. The Congressman believes that there needs to be more funding allocated for Animal R.A.P.E. The Congressman has volunteered in the past for Animal R.A.P.E., Human R.A.P.E., and Plant R.A.P.E., but he finds the most personal satisfaction from Animal R.A.P.E.  

The congressman has also begun plans to launch his “R.A.P.E. the world” campaign to raise awareness of the benefits of R.A.P.E. in American society.

1.) Congressman Jarv enjoys watching homeless people fight. He has been known to prize his vast Bumfights video collection.

2.) The Congressman once open mouth kissed a horse while drinking.

3.) Congressman Jarv would like to see the strength of the U.S. Dollar match the weight of the Euro in the World Market. He believes that by doing so that the U.S. can reserve its status as a superpower long into the future.

Check back for more soon!